Back to Square One...

My sixth sense rarely fail me, that is... if I listen to it. I rarely do. So, I'm back to square one, still trying to find my way. Maybe I've really missed my calling in life... I don't really know. But, I'm back to riding the horrendously confused colossal roller coaster that I thought I had gotten off of. I don't know what's next in my unstable adventure, but what else can I do but to continue on with this journey. All I want is to be ordinary and have a peaceful life. That just doesn't seem to be possible. Trouble finds me and I don't know how to hide from it. I'm really really tired...

Friendships

Rarely do I ever regret anything in my life. But lately I've been thinking about a friend or two who I've lost contact with from a few years back. I sort of regret letting go of those friendships. For one of those friendships, I did make the decision to withdraw and slowly let that awesome friend go... I miss my friend. I just miss him so much now.

December...

Ahh... December...

December, the last month of the year... life as I know it has taken a even worse turn. Normally, December is a happy time, or at least a festive time... with Christmas coming and all. Unfortunately, this entire year has thus far been a trying year and at the last month of the year, everything has to spiral down even farther. When will my obstacles end?

When I am supposed to be focusing on ONLY looking for a new job, my laptop decides to act up. It turns pink! I love my Lappy, though it's old... about 4 1/2 years old. It's still usable, but my eyes will only get worse as my Eye doctor had already told me... my last job gave me a case of severe dry eye... from staring constantly into a badly lit computer screen. Then I catch the flu. This was a bad one. I haven't had the flu for over 2 years! It disabled me! I even had to reschedule an interview because I was coughing up a storm and couldn't even finish one sentence without needing to cough up some mucus (sorry, it's gross I know.) Being sick is definitely the pits... and just as my luck would have it, I get into a car accident! A hit and run accident! And, all the while I'm still delirious and ill...at the scene of the accident, I am confused, I am feeling as if God wants to throw me more curve balls. I feel so alone.

I need a job AND I need to move forward from the hell I've been experiencing this past year. Without any compassion from family, I feel so alone as it is and then I get into an exchange of harsh words with them that makes me even more depressed. All I can do is to take care of myself and stop analyzing others I suppose... but I continue to receive obstacles preventing me to do what I need to do.

In the midst of trying to recover from the flu, taking care of the car accident (which has caused me more body aches), getting a working laptop, family issues, etc... my DSL somehow got ported over to a new carrier without MY authorization! Some one from Verizon messed up big time and they are all idiots. I spent 700 minutes on my cell phone trying to fix this~ fix a problem I did not cause, and getting really useless techs from them. None of this is my doing!! I ask, WHY IS THIS CRAP HAPPENING TO ME?? All I want to do is focus on looking for a job so I can survive! Why am I being attacked left and right?! I want to cry... no, I'm really tired. Tired of needing to take care of unnecessary things! Life is really not good right now. No, it sucks.

I want to sue Verizon so bad for messing with my line and interrupting my life even more! I had no connection for a week and yet they still cannot trace what happened?! It is ridiculous that I spoke to over 20 people and all except one was willing to help. When I gain some sanity and strength, I will make it my mission to get Verizon for messing with me! That will be real fun!

Meanwhile, I am trying to fix my miserable month/life. I am hoping and praying nothing worse can come my way. Maybe convincing myself that with all the bad that has happened and passed, a new light will appear as the new year arrives... at least this way, maybe I'll be happier and feel less wanting to give up.

End of another chapter.

I finally quit my miserable job yesterday. I often wonder if I had completely missed my calling this life time. Why is it that I always end up with crap~hardships and obstacles? Some may think I'd be crazy to leave a job during this tough economic time...but I really had no choice. Though I've been miserable and wanted to find a way out, this final decision to leave was sort of forced. The company's failure in management style finally made the decision for me. When is it enough? How much pride do I have to give up, just to keep a job, any job in the current economy. Going to work was like going underwater, holding onto a constant breath and not being able to come up to gasp for air until you step out the door at the end of the day. I had enough. Yes, I need a job. But keeping a job that kills me slowly, mentally and physically day after day is worse than stressing out over not having a job. Never in my life have I wanted out so desperately.

It is time to look forward and I really want to believe there is more in this world than the ugliness I've been exposed to from this experience.

Want a job I'd love!

How do you work in a place where you have to face people with no integrity everyday?! How do you deal with hating your job but needing it in this depressed economy? When is "enough is enough"? It's almost degrading to be in that situation and having to drag myself to work then being unhappy for the whole week. It's a never ending cycle! Sigh. I don't know how to get out! I'm sick to my stomach hating the hellhole that I'm in.

Birthday Wish.

Maybe I'm getting old... older... My birthday wish consists of wanting to be healthy, happy and most importantly~ know what being content means.

I now believe these non-tangible things in life sure are true blessings that no money in the world can buy.

Disappointment

Have you ever been in a situation so bad that you feel like you are stuck in mud and instead of pulling yourself out, you are being sucked down faster than you know it? And, just when there's a glimpse of hope to get out of the mud pit, you are sucked right back down again. This was what my life has been like for the last couple of weeks. I thought this past weekend had the glimpse of hope I worked so hard towards, but in the end it was just all an illusion. I'm still stuck in mud. Such great disappointment. When am I going to get out of the mud pit!

On the way home...

Most days I'm just bored out of my mind driving home from work being stuck in traffic jam. Some days I use surface streets to get home and I get to pretend I'm a tourist, that is if I'm in the mood to even pay attention to all the shops and building around the cities I drive through.

Today was kind of a good day for that kind of drive... breezy weather, not too much traffic and before the rain... so I took some snapshots of the things I get to see on the road home...


Cool Car!


Interesting...


I get my coffee here some mornings.



Nice view of clouds before the rain.

I'm not happy today

Today had to be the worst day since I started this "JOB". I just can't stand people with no intergrity. How in the world am I suppose to emerge myself into this place, if most of the people there do not possess any intergrity! I did not want to say " I hate my job" before, but now I'm saying it. I have never encountered this kind of environment before. And, I do not want to degrade myself and go downhill when I'm supposed to climb up. What a lousy day today. And it's all because of an idiot with no integrity what so ever.

If I didn't have to work...

If I didn't have to work, I'd spend as much time as possible with my kitties. Afterall, they are my babies. I miss them during the day while at work. I suppose it feels similar to mothers missing their children while they work.

If I didn't have to work, I'd look for a meaningful non-profit organization to volunteer for. If I didn't have to work, that would mean I don't have to worry about money so that means I can try to make a difference in this world without concerning about my own survival first.

I wish I didn't have to work, so I can do what I want, when I want and not worry about anything (other than my fur babies) at all.

Friday The 13th- the curse?

Every year I kind of dread "Friday The 13th". There always seem to be things going wrong on this day for me. It's not that I am superstitious about it. Instead, it is often after the incident occurs that the realization kicks in that it was "Friday The 13th". No exception this time, only that it came early in my book! (Gosh, I hope nothing else goes wrong to follow up). I am convinced that this date is just not a lucky one for me. The number 13 itself isn't so bad, as most would think. The problem seems to be the combination of the 13th of a month landing on a Friday. Sigh...

I was locked out of my apartment last night. So I take it that nothing more negative (I pray) should head my way... Since it had been raining on and off the past week, I jumped at a chance to do all my laundry when the sun peeked through. It was actually a pretty nice day- in the day time, that is. I hogged up the laundry room, planned to do about 4 loads and was thinking once I'm done I can sort all of my clothes (a pending project sitting on my to-do list forever) to donate and reorganize. I also wanted to spend a day or two getting all my work clothes ready for my new job on Monday. It was great to avoid fighting with other tenants over the washers and dryers in the late afternoon... I took my sweet time and thought I can go about my day as planned and on schedule. Well, plans never work out as they should, especially mine! I should have learned this years ago.

I came back to my apartment to drop off a load that was done, but because I drove my car around to my parking spot from my garage, all that was in my mind was hold on to "car keys". So when I came back out to go to the laundry room, I grabbed nothing except my car keys. Stupid me. What was I thinking. Lately I've been lame... just a week ago I flooded my bathroom because I forgot I was running a bath! Thank God there were no real damages. Anyway, once I closed the front door I knew I was in deep poo poo. I had no wallet, no cell phone, no garage remote, nothing with me other than my car keys. I guess that was better than nothing.

In the end, after having no sound solution and with no luck in getting in touch with the Apartment emergency number, I got Shaun (a neighbor/friend/apartment manager's son) to help by opening a small kitchen window for me to climb in. He always told me it's good being a small girl. I did the same few years ago when I locked myself out too. I'm paranoid now that someone else can do the same if they wanted to break in! Shaun says they'd have to be skinny enough. I suppose, but I'm still concerned. Note to self: find security solution for this. Anyhow, I guess I should be more concerned about how to have a sane mind in not repeating this again.

I am so sore from all the running around and the hauling of my loads of laundry after I got back into my apartment. Then when I headed back to the laundry room to get my last 2 loads out of the dryer, I found out some idiot took out my clothes and tossed them all over the top of the dusty dryers because they wanted to use the machines. I was so pissed. My clothes were just washed and dried and they had no courtesy at all. Couldn't they wait? I don't care how long the clothes were sitting in there, you don't touch other peoples' clothes! That's just a big no no! I would never do that to someone else. But after this, I think I should change my mentality. There's no sense being courteous when others aren't. I grabbed my clothes and left. By now, it was almost 10pm and I was starving. If I wasn't so famished and tired, I probably would have thought about doing the same to them. Some people are just idiots. I don't want to be nice any more!

Looking back, I think I should consider the positive aspects of the incident. I should be grateful that at least I had my car with me. I'm glad at least I was able to find Shaun for help. At least I'm small enough to climb through the kitchen window. And, I'm grateful that at least it's done and over with. I hope this incident was IT for the early Friday The 13th curse I seem to fulfill every time it comes around.

Market Run (99 Ranch)

After a quick ramen dinner at Tamaya, we hopped over to the market to grab some groceries. My fridge has been pretty empty for the most part for days and other than some junk I been debating to throw out, I have no food left.

I bought just one of this fruit to try. I just learned that this fruit which looks like an orange, is called "Minneola Tangelo". It's a hybrid between a tangerine and either a pomelo or a grapefruit. Interesting looking, wouldn't you say? I hope the one I selected is sweet!



I thought this picture was kind of funny. I was trying to pick out a cabbage when the produce guy came with new boxes of the fresh green ones. Of course then I waited until he finished placing them because I wanted the greener, newer, fresher ones. So, the guy had to move all the old yellow cabbages to the side, to make room for the green ones. He was piling the old ones on one by one by smashing them down like they are some huge softballs. I guess he wanted to make sure they stayed in position. It was hilarious. He looked mad though. Sis said maybe the boss made him work overtime. The dude damaged the pitiful looking old cabbages even more than originally were. The might as well just toss them out, no one will buy them now. Poor cabbages... I bought one newer, green one. =) I wished I had the nerve to snap a picture of this dude while he was "doing his job".



I might not be a Food Network chef, but... I do know what bananas look like! These are Pomelos, aren't they?!



OK, I may be Chinese, but these "Chicken Fingers" are just absolutely grotesque! Completely disgusting with the finger nails and all. I almost had a heart attack when Sis showed them to me.



I wish they had better quality produce at 99 Ranch. These pomegranates don't look so pretty, do they?



I want a new camera.

Why I need Rain Boots!

It's been raining on and off since Thursday. I've been paranoid that the ceiling in my apartment will leak again. I know it probably should hold up since they put up a brand new roof last January. But still... I worry because I went through hell last year with the lack of urgency from the apartment management when the ceiling was falling apart due to heavy rain.

I am sort of stranded when the rain starts pouring down hard. It is always completely flooded at the bottom of the stairway. Those damn roofer never cared to install another pipe long enough for the water to deter straight toward the opposite grassy area. Instead, the drain pipe is installed in the direction that crosses the path of my stairway. So, going in or out of my apartment is a pain when it rains. The apartment management is a pain too. They just don't care when I complain.

So... I've been looking for a pair of rain boots to transport me to and from my garage. Sigh...



I do enjoy the rain... other than when I get wet and that it causes traffic jams, etc. But for the most part, it is a nice feeling to curl up with a good book or sleep in when the rain is pouring outside. I may even enjoy a walk in the rain, if I had some decent looking rain boots to keep my feet dry when walking through the flood at the bottom of my staircase!



I did order a pair of rain boots. By the time they arrive, the rain might have already stopped. Oh well, I'll be ready the next rain then. There's no way I'm going to risk getting my leather platform heels wet again!

Making Too Many Lists

I don't know when was it that I started a habit of making lists. Maybe it was when I worked in VOIP. It was necessary I suppose when multitasking. Anyhow, such a good method turns out to be not such a good thing for me now. I missed the whole point of making lists! It should be just a "list", one at a time.

I have a habit of making a list, not following what's on that list... doing maybe just a few things on it... then making a new list, while holding on to the original list...crossing off maybe another few things, then re-do that list and so forth. I end up with tons of paper lists...a small pile of them! Then I get frustrated in sorting through them, I'll turn to my outlook, input all the TO DO items there, thinking I'll just compile and consolidate ALL the items/tasks/errands/appts. etc... in one place...then I'll be set. Well, that doesn't work either. I keep items in pending too long and continue to change the due dates! Oh gosh... I'm annoying myself. I even had a PDA at one point and sold it because I frustrated myself for not following what I set out to do. Should I just relax, not be so uptight, and just go with the flow of things? No more lists? But I can't operate without seeing what I need to do in writing. So such a good habit turns out to be a bad one for someone like me? Am I just a procrastinator and that's that, nothing will change my behavior, that's why I can't follow lists I created for myself?

Although it is frustrating, I find myself getting on top of things FAST when need to, like the very last minute before that something absolutely needs to be done. What kind of person am I to do this? Sigh.

Old Photos

I was at Mom's the other day for Chinese New Year and just out of boredom decided to look through some of my old stuff. I came across our childhood photo albums. The album held up pretty good considering the way it was packed into a cupboard without care.

Though I can't really remember exactly when these photos were taken, I do remember those first few years of my childhood life were good and sweet.




How I wish I can be as happy as then, without a care or worry about the world!





Sis and me. (I like her blue and white beret better than my pink one!)

Death

These days I've been having lots of strange dreams. I've been writing down what I remember from them in a notebook, trying to decode them...but with little success. They are often in segments and sometimes don't even relate to me directly. Some of it is as if I AM watching a movie. And when I awake, I can still see the scenes from these dreams. Even when I go back to my notebook days later, reading back what I documented, I'd recall the dream instantly with vivid pictures.

I had a dream a few days ago. It was about death. I'm not sure what it meant. When I woke up, I did not remember it instantly. Not until I got out of bed to wash up, this overwhelming feeling of burden or something came over me. It was not sadness, but instead it almost seemed like some kind of relief. Almost as if I had gone somewhere and came back. I was not happy, but was not sad either. As I brushed my teeth, the dream came back to me. The death part was not really morbid. In the end, the death was really not "death", it was a mistake... a sort of misunderstanding. I guess that's where the brief relief is from. I'm just wondering which part of myself did I kill off?

Today's Horoscope

This is what my horoscope says for today... (we'll see.)

January 24, 2009

Gemini (5/21-6/21)

More than ever, you are open to the unfamiliar today -- your quick mind is ready to sort through a confusing matter. You will figure out what to make of it. Go out early today and try to find something or someone to keep your brain humming. It's a great day to tackle a puzzle that's been driving you nuts. Or you might want to try (one more time) to get along with that difficult personality. You should challenge yourself today. No matter what the outcome is, you won't be disappointed.

Dinner with old friends

I had a lovely dinner with two of my older friends last night. Allen came in to L.A. from D.C. for business just for a few days. I was glad to see him after neglecting to keep close touch for almost 8 years. Since he got married, it's just difficult... with him being a guy and me a gal and all. That's the way it always is with my guy friends. I should have made more gal friends growing up because all my guy friends seem to eventually depart from close friendships with me after they marry off. And, I perfectly understand...I really do! I don't blame them and at times, I'm the one that literally back off, though very sad... I understand the situation... I really do! I wouldn't want my man to have a best female friend either! It's just sad for me. Anyhow, I haven't seen Allen for years, since he got married 8 years ago. He lives in D.C. with his wife and son now. Allen's best bud, Ken actually lives not too far from me, whom became a good friend years ago too, but I also haven't seen for about over a year! Wow, time flies. It's a pity how busy everyone is with life and next thing you know, so much time's passed and everyone's drifted apart before there's a moment to get together. I hate it when this happens.

Fortunately, our gathering last night was very warm, just same as years before, no awkwardness at all. It felt just like old times. The evening couldn't have been sweeter. Conversations were great... laughter was present throughout the night. We all reminisced the past, repeated old stories and cracked up about stupid things. I realize how much I missed these friendships. Maybe as time goes by, what matters more are valuable friendships. Some one once said to me, you may know a lot of people/acquaintances in this life time, but consider it lucky if you have just a few good/true friends for life. It indeed is absolutely true.

New Blog!

I finally set up my new blog! Yay! I figure... New Year...New President... New Blog. My old one (source withheld) is basically gloom and morbid, full of complaints and sadness. I may still go there to complain, but here I'm going to try and stay positive. No guarantees on no complaints though. The way I see it, I only just give the facts and I am 100% truthful with what's on my mind. Good or bad, I'll share it. Hopefully in time when I look back through my postings, I'll have left some things to reminisce about...

And, Blogspot is much easier to use and set up! Love it!(Except for the font problems not posting correctly...hmm.)